I am leaving dA.

Oh the horror of it all.

Byebye <3

I am back from Camp Bloody Fingers. I mean...Music Camp.

...huh.

I've just been noticing things lately.

My teachers at my school had a conference with my parents last year. That I didn't know about. And my teachers all used five or so words to describe me. Always the same words, never synonyms, never anything else.

The word most used was 'erceptive'.

Picking up on things without knowing how to go about them beforehand, understanding what others can't or won't say, seeing things from different points of view.

I found that interesting.

I suppose I should apologize right now. I'm really sorry I haven't been talking to a lot of people this break. That I haven't gotten together with anyone. Please don't feel I don't love you, it's not a reflection on how I think of you, it was me. I'm really truly sorry, and I don't know the consequences yet but I'll face them.

I took time out for myself this summer. I just took two months to learn my limits, test my abilities, that kind of self discovery crap.

I learned a lot yes, but I'm left with....more questions than answers.

I kind of...faced everything around me, rather than worry about them. There were things I didn't even know was /there/, and some things that I thought would be really serious...weren't anymore. And I just tried to understand everything, sort it out and stuff. I'm fairly happy with the result. I feel more comfortable.

I still have a lot of questions about my beliefs that I can't answer yet.

And a lot of things have changed.

...but that's okay XD.

I learned a lot this summer. There were a few things I didn't want to learn, a few things I don't fully understand, and a few things that I don't think about at all. But overall...it was good fun. Learning my limits was actually really cool. As it stands I haven't even found my limit on a few things, it seems I can go until I have no time left XD.

But so I'm sorry.

I'm wrapping up summer now because in two weeks, school starts.

No one seems to want school to start but me XD

I so want to go back. That place is home to me. I know it sounds completely nerdish, but I feel like I can do my best at school. I can express myself and be myself there, really put myself into the work I'm doing...shit I am SO ready.

My house has really changed this summer. It's kind of scary but...reassuring too. I have the answers to some major issues (is my family moving? is my Dad leaving? is he going to die soon? what happened to our family? are we going broke?) and that makes me feel better. But now...we've changed a lot, so there are several new issues coming up. But now I know what to do about them XD

If you're still reading this, I love you <3 (but really, you don't have to)

So...life is going good now.

...I'm getting a boat. A sail boat.

It's going to seriously be mine.

All mine.

And I get to name it and paint it and take care of it and drive it.

And

I shall drag all my friends on it for vacations.

Go to Mexico or something.

But I won't get it for a while. I have to learn how to drive it first.

ALL MINE <3333333

Summary of above: I learned a lot this summer about myself and the things happening around me, and life is good. I'm really sorry I haven't gotten back to you people, I love you anyway, feel free to smack me for not returning calls. I want to go back to school. I'm getting a shiny new boat.

Annnnnnnnnd...that would be all XD


I MISS YOU ALL <3333333

(Another highlight of summer: I GOT A HAT!!!!! <3333 HAT LOVE)

I have to type very fast. Please ignore my typos if you see them, I have maybe two minutes.

I'm at camp. Fancy shmancy camp. Didn't know I was signed up for camp, let alone the one Imma at.

Music camp. Hard fucking core.

Seriously.

You play your instrument (string camp so either viola violin or cello) for six hours straight. No breaks, except for a one hour lunch (not included in those six hours. So seven hours total.). Yes, six straight hours. I have bruises on my hands and cuts on my fingers everywhere. Been playing so much my bow broke. Im screwed, have no money for new one, so I just have to pretend it's fine. Argh.

Have to wake up at 6 every day, get ready, drive there (it a day camp, but lasts long time), and practice in the morning. Yes, I have to practice before and after every day of camp. By the time I'm there, it's 9am. I have 3 three hour classes, lunch, then 3 more three hour classes. By the time I'm home it's 7pm. I practice another hour, and fall asleep sometime at 8:30.

The food sucks. Can't bring my own though, no time to make it. Have to eat there. Nasty cafeteria food. Blech. Not enough nutrition or protein to keep me alive there. Some of the classmates started having seizures today.

I'm the third best in my group of twelve. So the pressure is ON for me. I swear to God, my hands are black and blue, and I have to many cuts to count. We're all a mess. Some guy hasn't even had time to shower. God.

It's fucking boot camp. I swear. I come home starved, sweating, sore, and with a pounding headache.

For anyone who says playing viola (a big violin n00b) can't make you feel like that, it's just an istrument...

You obviously don't know the first thing about serious playing.

We're doing fiddle for one thing. Hardcore fiddle. Fingers moving like lightening. Hairs flying off the bow. That's where most of the cuts come from. And my bow broke there.

Since I'm one of the best, I'm in a quartet. We're doing the original score of one of Mozart's Quartets. MOZART. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT SHIT IS? ESPECIALLY ON MY POOR VIOLA? I DIDN'T THINK SO. IT''S GOTTEN BLOODY. FOR SERIOUS.

And jazz class, which is just a bunch of impossible rhythms that you more 'feel' than 'know'. Make things up as you go, only way to live.

It'll be over soon, that's the only thin I'm hanging on to. It'll be over soon, my friends are coming back, everythings gonna be okay...

I nearly lost it in class. I wouldn't be the first.

I need to wrap this up. My finger (I'm typing with one finger. It has no bruises) is beginning to hurt. One of the scratches is bleeding, and it's fucking throbbing.

So if you want to know why I'm not commenting on your marvelous deviations, there's your answer.

Will be back sometime late Monday. I hope.

This is fucking insanity. My teachers are insane. They don't give a DAMN about the kids. We get called 'Hey you', 'red shirt', 'blue hair', 'short kid', and 'glasses' and those sorts of things. To dismiss us, they say 'Go away'. I haven't been complimented in eons. I'm never doing anything good, everything I do is wrong. Always. And because I play terribly, I am a very dumb person apparently.

No one to make friends with either. There are five sixteen year olds and six eleven year olds. Plus me.

God. WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS AGAIN?

I'm seriously losing sanity. For serious.

Better stop. Finger hurts.

See you soon if I don't keel.

~Matthew <--My name at camp. How the hell people translated Natalie to Matthew, I do not know. But all the kids call me Matthew. Better than the teachers, they call me 'You there', 'Broken shoe girl', 'Braces', or 'Hair girl'. Hair girl and Braces. I feel so fucking good about myself. Whoop dee fucking doo.

Hey everyone.

Well, once again, I am leaving dA for a bit. There are...circumstances...that have turned up that make it unable for me to be here for the time being. And when I say 'circumstances' I mean things are so bad around here I'm counting down until I can get out of this house and back in school. Which starts in 25 days. I don't like school, don't get me wrong. Circumstances as in...well, I won't go in to it, you get the picture, and I'm sure you're sick of my rambling.

God. So many ideas, so many adults who say you can't dream of them

SO: QUESTION TIME

Everyone post their answer to the question in their reply! If you bother replying! XD

If a genie could give you three wishes, what would you wish for? (No cheating XD (Aka asking for more wishes, reviving people, messing with time travel or love. Those are no-nos)

My answer:
The dedication to follow my projects start to finish
The opportunities to use my gifts to the greatest extent possible.
I wish for the seven people closest to me to live the most amazing and love-filled life, living it how they want. I want all their dreams to come true, and I hope all their wishes are fulfilled except for one for them to earn for themselves, so they never feel incomplete or unchallenged. And the selfish part of me wishes that they will keep me in their thoughts while fulfilling their dreams. Maybe even by their side.

Aren't I a complete bore?

1] Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2] For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3] YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4] Tag people.

The taggies: Sandra (do it again ), Cloudeh, WonTawn, Shikamari, Avric do it when your back and email me your answers if you still come on this website

All answers are set up like this~
Song - Artist
comment

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Do You Know What I'm Seeing?-Panic At The Disco
...that's nice >>

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)-Marilyn Manson
Oh wow XDDDDDDDD LOL

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Listen To Your Heart-DHT
I would say that works fairly well.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Bye Bye Beautiful
...I miss people? Yes, yes I do.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
You Know My Name-Chris Cornell
...OH IRONY

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I'll Be-Edwin McCain
<3333333

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Inside The Fire-Distrurbed
Someone turn on a fire hydrant RIGHT FUCKING NOW

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Now You're Gone-Basshunter
...DADDY WHAAAAA TT^TT

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
Fairytale-Saturday Night At The Apollo
...yeah, maybes >>

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Something-Lasgo
Why, yes. Yes it is <333

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Neverending Dream-Cascada
<33333

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Never Let You Go-Jakaranda
...I don't remember being a stalker.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Moondance-Nightwish
Because I dance outside at eleven at night when you are all asleep >>

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
St. Jimmy-Green Day
...Sure, why not.

WHAT REMINDS YOU OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Phantom Of The Opera-Andrew Loyd Webber
THAT IS SERIOUSLY WHAT CAME UP, I SWEAR TO GOD O_O OMFGLOL

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
This Is Halloween
Oh HELLS YES

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
...you guys sure do wanna get rid of me O.o

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Loves Me Not-tAtU
O-O OH SHIT N-

20. What is your biggest secret?
Sexyback-Justin Timberlake
...
...
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDLOL

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Leaving Song Pt 2-AFI
...close enough

Hi Peoples! How are you?

I bet you missed deleting all those journals I make! XD Don't worry, your status quo of deleting both deviations (yeah, don't deny you saw my latest one in your messages. Don't deny you deleted it. I know you did) and journals will be completed! Because I'm...

BACK

...sorta.

So, in news:

1. I FUCKING QUIT VIOLIN. I've been sick of it for MONTHS. AND I QUIT. I QUIT. I've been doing it SIX YEARS AND I FINALLY QUIT.

...don't get me wrong, I'm still playing viola.

BUT I QUIT VIOLIN.

2. My parents are still together, as anyone who knows me in real life is aware of. So, I usually see my Dad every day. At seven thirty.

...I have gone spent the last two months seeing my Dad once every...three to four days. He's on a seven day a week workweek from 7:30 in the morning to 9:30 at night. I see him when he gets back and he passes out on the bed from exhaustion. Our last conversation was...in June? I don't remember. Something about the new James Bond movie coming out (<33333333333). And it doesn't help that he's fucking dying. Stupid WORK.

3. ...I haven't had a fucking hug since I last saw Avric. That was...a week ago. I've gone an entire WEEK without a hug. What is this world coming to? TT^TT (Yes, Imma hugslut. Stfu)

4. I MISS YOU. Especially Cloudeh and Avric TT^TT. I LOVE YOU TWO. Cloudeh better be enjoying camp though, yes? I miss you too Sandra TT^TT but I know I can just walk to your house sometime soon, yes? :3

5. My Mom's being a bitch. My sisters and their friends are being annoying little fucktards. And they yell at me for hiding in my room.

6. I'm not allowed out of the house, because apprently if I take two steps through the front door in the middle of broad daylight, some guy is going to push me in his car and brutally rape me. Yeah. Mhhmmm. I'm going insane.

I just saw the Dark Knight. All I have to say is...it redefines Avric's saying of 'BAT-SHIT INSANE.'. Heath Ledger has my FULL forgiveness for being a gay cowboy, and I now fully mourn his loss. Amen <3

And I bought my third real CD <3333. Pretty. Odd. by Panic at the Disco. Usually I'm not so fond of the band, but this CD sounds so different. I love it. Don't give me shit about my music though, you don't even /want/ to know the rest of my iPod.

I want school to start. Right. Fucking. Now.

I have the feeling I've forgotten something, but...hmm...

I may not be quite as active as usual. I'm busy. So if I don't respond to everything, don't take it personally, mkay?

I QUIT VIOLIN.

AND I MISS YOU PEOPLE.

I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP JUST WISHING SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME A FUCKING HUG WITHOUT ME ASKING THEM.

I'm okay now XD I just want some love <333. Only human.

Alright, I'll stfu now.

Bye <3